I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
