just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
We need to get me chipped asap
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
