She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
