i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
