you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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