that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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