Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize