I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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