Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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