So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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