man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
