I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Randomize
