i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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