Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
