Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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