i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
