Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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