Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
