Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize