Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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