i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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