Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
