A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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