We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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