I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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