His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Randomize