I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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