It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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