I looked at my own cervix.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize