Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
