somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I am midnight drunk by noon
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Randomize
