Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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