Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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