I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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