it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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