oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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