When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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