my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
