dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
