my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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