Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Are my feet made of real feet?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
