You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
