I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
