im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Randomize
