my being single is dangerous.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
