I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
