you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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