Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
