I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
