trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
