I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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