If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
