I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
