Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
