is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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